Winter brings with it all sorts of exciting things — PSLs, Christmas shopping, the holiday windows at Bergdorf’s. We get to dress our dogs in ridiculous sweaters and go ice skating.
It’s a unique time of year that brings a lot of promise for the future and a lot of hope for the next big thing in our 20-something lives.
But once Christmas is over and the New Year passes, leaving our too-tight party dresses hanging idly in the closet surrounded by mothballs and tarnished with inexplicable stains, the drawbacks — and there are plenty — quickly settle in.
I mean, generally, being a girl certainly has plenty of perks. We get to mess around with makeup, we have a million different outfit options, and we rarely have to stand in line for the club. (Holla for those pheromones!)
Being a girl holds a kind of power that we love to relish in. Millennial women have the luxury heading up companies and following our passions — all while rocking awesome high heels (assuming we’re into that, as flats look phenomenal as well).
But the freezing winter months bring about a special kind of hell for the female. Seemingly simple tasks suddenly become daunting… once flattering attire suddenly makes us resemble the Michelin man.
There is no doubt that winter is absolutely the worst season to be a girl.
And here’s why:
Shaving your legs becomes a thing of torture
Standing in the shower, with either scalding or barely lukewarm water running down your back in rivulets, trying to shave you legs while simultaneously trying not to fall is the bane of every female’s beauty regime.
Winter makes this a particularly miserable experience as the cold air seeps into the shower, causing goosebumps to creep up our already overly-exposed legs.
Suddenly, after taking painstaking care to assure we don’t miss a spot, goosebumps have made our legs prickly again. Winter: 1, Me: 0.
High heels and ice do not mix
A night out at the clubs suddenly becomes an evening at the circus when you combine stilettos and icy sidewalks.
Every single step must be excruciatingly deliberate in order to (hopefully) avoid falling flat on your ass and possibly breaking a bone — or worse, a heel.
This basically defeats the point of wearing the heels in the first place: to look sexy.
You now look like an even more awkward version of Bambi trying to learn how to walk. It’s not cute and it certainly is not helping your chances of getting access to the VIP lounge.
All of your casual outfits are ugly
Oh, how the memories of sweater weather and, before it, sundress weather, will quickly fade as you pack on your long underwear, your shirt, your sweater, your scarf, your hat and then your marshmallow coat.
It doesn’t matter if you’ve got a body like Iggy, you will still look 850 pounds in the winter.
Not to mention venturing into the steaming dungeon that is the subway will turn your once cozy layers into sheets of cotton blubber to absorb your gathering sweat. Yum.
All of your “going out” outfits are completely impractical
There is no hell greater than walking to a club or a bar in sub-zero temperatures, wearing a mini dress and some façade of warmth, such as a fur stole. The only body that stole ever kept warm was the rabbit it used to belong to.
Getting dressed up to go out seems like such an inspired idea in the shelter of your “warm” apartment, but once you get to the street, you’ll just be wishing you stayed in.
You actually DO stay in
…Basically every night. When you haven’t been out on a Saturday night in the last two months, you can officially say that winter has taken its toll.
Girls become very asocial and start to accept that their next long-term relationship is with a bottle of wine and a good Netflix series. Why would anyone want to go outside in the cold when her bed is so very warm and inviting?
Your hair in the winter wind
You walk outside, having blow-dried it to perfection, resembling Lady Godiva and ready to rock another day.
Cue the blustering winter winds here to destroy your day, whipping your hair into your eyes and destroying the painstaking labor you woke up at 6 am to put in.
All you can do now is tell your coworkers, “Yep. I was trying to rock this beehive look. Thanks for noticing, Carol.”
Your WET hair in the winter wind
So you decide you’re not going to put in all that effort and make your hair look spectacular only to have it utterly eviscerated by the wind. So, you just leave it wet and are grateful for the extra 30 minutes you got to sleep.
You walk outside and your hair freezes. Yay. Suddenly, your hair has become frozen icicles dangling by your ears like some kind of stupid jewelry.
Bonus: Your scalp is f*cking freezing. #blessed.
Showering in general is absolutely the worst in the winter time.
Your shower is nice and warm while your apartment is f*cking freezing, so you’re left with the lovely dilemma of whether you’re going to take up permanent residence in your shower or rent it out the homeless man living on your corner since you never plan to use it and your rent is too high anyway.
Not to mention the dread that pools in the pit of a girl’s stomach when she is lying snug and warm on her Tempur-Pedic and she knows she has to shower. F*ck you winter, seriously.
Picking up guys is impossible
Nothing is hot about your layers upon layers of clothing that make you look like a grizzly bear or the fact that your nose is dripping down your overly-dry cheeks causing you to sniffle like a leaky pipe between batting your ridiculously clumpy eye lashes. Just go home, girl.
You’re already wearing 50,000,000 pieces of clothing, giving passersby the impression that you’re in need of calling Jenny Craig. This kind of dangerous sartorial choice leads to inevitable overeating.
Why bother keeping that hot bod if no one is going to see it without the haze of too many shots, anyway? Winter leads to weight gain and weight gain only further decreases your chances of getting laid.
Winter is truly a lose/lose situation for us, ladies.