It’s the time of year when movies showthose perfect scenes of snow gently falling outside while parents happily wrap gifts without ever running out of tape or losing the scissors, their kids nestled all snug in their beds and not bouncing off the walls from too many sugar cookies.
This isn’t that scene.
No, this is a much more realistic version of tradition, so bust our your glass of spiced nog and get ready to nod in agreement.
Twas the week before Christmas, when all through the house,
I was searching for tools I could hand to my spouse.
We read through instructions and felt quite inspired,
Hoping to manage assembly required.
The children were threateningly thrown in their beds,
While both of us looked at the gift pile with dread.
Two bikes and a Barbie house to put together,
Means more wine is needed right now more than ever.
When out in the living room there was some noise,
Crap! Hide the parts to these Christmas gift toys!
Away to the doorway I flew like a flash,
And just threw all that crap in the closet to stash.
The next morning we woke up to new-fallen snow,
Meaning dad was sent outside to shovel and blow.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but my kid with a candy cane stuck in his ear.
With a sigh and a tug I pulled it out somehow,
Then was off to go start that whole family meal now.
More rapid than eagles, my curses they flamed,
Realizing how soon until all the guests came.
Effing turkey! Freaking taters!
Crapbread rolls and fixings!
Wheres the damn gravy?
Are mommys drinks mixing?
Kids, stay out of the fridge!
You drive me up the wall!
Now get away! Get away!
Get away all!
And then in a twinkling, I freaked the hell out,
Elf on the Shelf was forgotten about.
Just shove that imp somewhere at this point in time.
Mama needs last minute shopping: Hello, Amazon Prime!
I spoke not a word, but went straight to the site,
Adding something for me, just out of spite.
Do I have paper, cards, bows, tape, and tags?
Screw it, they trash those. Yay for gift bags!
Shopping done, I was giddy, a right jolly old elf,
and I laughed through the stress, in spite of myself.
A sip of my wine and big hunk of bread,
soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
I sprang off the couch, to my fam gave a yell,
And away they all came like a bat out of hell.
They all heard me exclaim, as I came into sight,
“Happy Christmas to all, pour me a glass of white!”
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